…or will lead to some hard things in my future. What do I mean by that?  I will get to there.

EmmaLee and Jacob and I got to run away to Utah.  I was going to Women’s Conference at BYU and they were going to play with their cousins who had recently moved there.  On Tuesday we took our time driving up to my mom’s in Vegas.  We stopped to eat and shop and even to get a haircut.  It was a mellow drive and it was nice to get to spend some one on one time with these adorable people!

I decided I would rather break the trip up into two days since I seem to get tired when driving.  It was good to get to spend a little time with my dad before we headed up to Provo area.  My Mom and I picked up my Sister Laura at her work and we headed out.  I just adore these two women.  I think they have no idea the impact they have had on my life.  My Mom listens to and loves me not matter what and always makes me feel like I am something special.  And Laura is really one of my best friends and I know she will love me no matter how annoying or complainy I get.

We stopped at Downeast and I think we were there for over an hour.  Not so fun for the littles but I love shopping with my sister.  Even if she can out shop me every time.

Then Thursday and Friday we went to the conference.  I had not even looked at the classes until the night before and I had no idea which ones to go to.  Some years I have really stressed about it and other years I just went with my mom or sister.  This year I really made it a matter of prayer and I was so grateful for the inspiration I received.  I went to classes I would not have chosen on my own and I learned exactly what I needed to learn.

The over all message for me was to stop fearing.  That when God asks me to do something to trust He will give me the ability and know how to get it done.  That does not mean I need to see the path before me, in fact most times I won’t.  I am reminded to do as Nephi did and be “led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless I went forth…”

Sometimes I see my failings so clearly before me that I become paralyzed when I am asked to do hard things, not horrible or painful things, just hard.  Like the way I feel about writing.  I feel so under qualified and I wonder why. At times I let that stop me and I allow the adversary to trick me into all kinds of justifications.

And what a blessing for me to get to be with these wonderful women.

Thursday night Jacob woke up in the middle of the night very upset.  He had a bad dream and joined me in bed.  It took him a while to fall back asleep and he had a restless night.  I was so frustrated because I was so tired.  I remember praying and asking Heavenly Father to make Jacob sleep.  I was upset because I knew I didn’t do well on little sleep and I really hadn’t had enough the whole trip.

Friday morning when I looked over the classes I realized I needed to go to a class i had no interest in the day before.  It was how to deal when life doesn’t go the way you have planned.  I felt so impressed that I needed to go to that class.  Had Jacob not had a rough  night I would never have thought of going to that class.  And that class was the one that impressed me the very most.

I remember walking out of their with a huge lump in my throat because I was so close to sobbing.  I took a couple minutes to walk around and take in the immense spirit I was feeling.  I felt as though the Holy Ghost was walking beside me assuring me I can do whatever is asked of me.

One of the ladies who spoke had a very rough life.  It seemed as though she had one big challenge after another.  It was very moving to hear how she was able to rely on the Savior amongst the hardest things.  She had a daughter run over by a car, She later had cancer, she dealt with infertility for years and years.  She finally had a boy amongst all odds and then he had aspergers,  He eventually committed suicide.

Her example was so powerful and one I will not forget.  The impression that overwhelmed me was that I was being asked to do things that would yield instant and very positive results, writing is what I was thinking at the time, and yet I was kicking at the pricks.  I knew that if I could learn to submit my will to His I would receive instant blessings and I would be surprised at the person God would have me become.  I am reminded of the poem by CS Lewis about the house.  It is one I read when we were newer married and it has stayed with me.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of – throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

I wonder why I am so content to be that small little cottage when I know He wants to make me into so much more?

Saturday was my birthday and we were blessed to get to go to my nieces baptism while we were there.  Then we quickly headed home since I knew it would be a long drive.  I felt like I was glowing still from the powerful spirit that had encompassed me for the last couple of days.  My sweet mom offered to take me out to dinner for my birthday and we decided to stop in St George.  Pizza factory sounded really good for some reason and it truly was.  I had a veggie pizza with no cheese and a great side salad. Seriously yummy.

While we were there I remember that the St George Marathon Lottery deadline was coming up.  I have put my name in several times in the past and I have never been selected.  I knew I was supposed to try as soon as I got home and I felt this quiet assurance that I was going to get in.  Laura told me she would come cheer me on and I felt excited to think I would run a marathon.

I have tried twice now and both times I have gotten to really far in my training but then I hurt my knee and had to stop training so I could recover.  Both times I just picked a marathon that was pretty close to me and not exactly the best one.  What I mean is they fit in my time line and were not places that it would be neat to run for hours and hours.

And both of those times I had big ambitions for my time.  This time around I realized I just wanted to finish.  Really.  If that meant I would have to walk half of it I was willing to do that.

My biggest problem, I have been slacking off in my running and my runs have gotten shorter and progressively more difficult for me.  I got my name into the lottery just days before the deadline which was good because then I didn’t have to wait long for the results.

But man on man I can not tell you who many times I checked the website Monday.  I knew they were supposed to post the results at some point in the day but I had no idea what time.  I looked and looked and looked until they finally had the results.

Once I saw my name on the list I started to cry and not a happy cry.  I was so overwhelmed with my inability.  I had no idea how I was going to do it just that I was inspired to go forward with it.

I felt scared and nervous and not ready to make that kind of crazy commitment. I got on my knees and poured out my heart to my Father. And then a few things happened to once again remind me Heavenly Father is watching over me. I text Laura and she told me not to be nervous and that I was going to do better then I thought.  That was exactly what I needed to hear.

The night before Ryan, Sarah and I were talking about doing hard things and Sarah said, ‘Like running a marathon” and that was brought back to my mind while I was feeling so scared.  Her faith helped me as well.

Jared had family home evening that night and his lesson was on prayer.  He choose this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIrGKB5nRKE.  He did not know how overwhelmed I was feeling.  He had no idea this video was something I had watched years ago and was part of the reason I felt so inspired to run a marathon some day.

The next day I remembered  a vision board I had made over 6 years ago.  On it I had doctored a picture to look like me crossing the finish line at the St George Marathon.  I wish I had kept that because I would love to see it now.

The day I found out about the Marathon was also the day I had started a new get healthy program with some friends http://www.sixsistersstuff.com/2012/01/8-week-printable-weight-loss-get.html.  

It is a simple program that keeps you accountable to your friends and it doesn’t hurt that there is a cash prize for the winners.  I am slightly competitive and I just felt like this was the jump start I needed.  I have been trying to eat healthy since January and I kept starting and stopping and I am ready to finally feel good.  How perfect that my marathon training started the same day as my healthy eating challenge.

What is also amazing and wonderful is that Ryan found this exercise program he wanted to start and his plan was to start the same day as me.  This is a big deal because during our whole married life he has never wanted to do anything like this and the fact that we are going to be focusing on getting healthier together is such a huge blessing to me.

When I was a young mother I remember being so disappointed on mothers day.    EmmaLee was a baby, Sarah was 2. And Jared was 3.  I can’t think of specifics of the day just that in my motherhood mind I thought mothers day should be filled with no crying, no fighting, and a nice long nap in quiet. Looking back that seems so silly that I expected my small children to actually be capable of doing those things.

Today while sitting in church I watched my children interact with each other.  I felt such love and appreciation.  I really love the mothering place I am in right now.  I am able to listen to the speaker.  My kids have the capability to sit still for longer periods of time.  For the most part they are good kids who listen and obey.  We love each other and that is what made mothers day so special for me.

Since I am starting my healthy eating challenge tomorrow we decided we should make a real special treat.  I had leftover cake from my redneck party, and Ryan had just bought this honey cream cheese so I made mini trifles.  It was the perfect serving size. 

The layers are chocolate cake, peanut butter cream cheese filling, pistachios and almonds chopped fine, cake, vanilla pudding, nuts, cake, pb cream cheese and topped with nuts.

And really this is the reason I like to cook for my family.  I love when they love it.

For my birthday this year I really wanted to throw myself a party.  But I didn’t want people to come and sing happy birthday or feel like they had to bring me a present so instead I threw a redneck party.  I just want to have fun with our friends and this was exactly what I had in mind.

The invite read :

I also had a wreath made out of red solo cups, again I forgot to get a picture.  Inside we had several confederate flags and old bottles filled with cheap fake flowers, Pink flamingo decor, a pig head ceramic something, (not sure what its real purpose was), We even had a gun magazine.  And what redneck party would be complete without a picnic tablecloth.

And lets not forget the vanilla-roma tree.

Emma wrote this on my big chalkboard for everyone to read as they first walked in.

I was most excited to make this cake.  I found the inspiration here. While I knew mine would not be as professional as her’s I was so excited to try it. I love having a reason to try something new.  It turned out just how I wanted.  The bottom cake is chocolate and the trailer is vanilla.  The dirt is vanilla sandwich cookies.  The fondant I made myself, except the black. The silver color on the trailer is wiltons edible spray paint. My favorite part is the frumpled up couch.

As an after thought I made a toilet and forgot to get a good picture.  I also used cocoa powder to add the dirty look to the front yard items

I was really impressed with the attire everyone pulled together.  The soda can fit nicely as a curler and who knew it would be so hard to get really bright makeup?

Erin even made her own overall’s. Lots of mullets and plaid.  I really loved Meleah’s blacked out tooth and high heels with her shorts.

But no one could deny that Deanna was the obvious winner with her moo moo, rollers, and of course her crocs.  What is that she is holding? That is my other cake creation.  It seemed like a natural prize for the best dressed redneck.  A cousin of mine posted the idea years ago and I guess my brain remembered it at just the right time.  Would you believe you can find very detail directions on goggle for how to make this? Kitty Litter Cake.

When Deanna took a bite out of the cake her husband was truly mortified.  Ryan tried to hand him the cake and Jim wouldn’t even hold it.  Good fun.

Since it was my birthday party I thought it would be fun to do a redneck gift exchange. We had things like toilet paper, marshmallow gun, potato gun, soda can holster, chips, worn out garden gloves, even a wife beater tank. But oddly enough the biggest hit seemed to be my thrift store find.  The creepy mink.  I can’t believe woman used to wear these.

The husbands seemed to derive great pleasure out of grossing out their wives.  It was so funny to watch.

I wish I had caught on tape how Krista got away so fast right after I snapped this picture.

I had two games to play.  One was Redneckognize where guests had to try to match the famous redneck name to its picture.  Duck Dynasty, Jeff Foxworthy, Elle Mae Clampett, Johnny Rusell, Dolly Parton, Jeff Gordon, Kid Rock, Gretchen Wilson, Larry the Cable Guy, Honey Boo Boo, Ma Kettle.

I was planning on doing a seed spitting contest but I couldn’t find watermelons with the seeds so last minute we switched gears and instead we did a spam carving contest.  Way more fun.  I was impressed with the creativity.  We had a toilet, redneck swimming pool (it was a truck), the eqyptian pyramids, a swan, a spam-o-lantern.

After taking it to a vote Dan’s toilet won him some Sarsaparilla.

After we cut into the cake it looked even more authentic.

Such a fun night with friends.

But I don’t feel like much has changed, since it ended that is.  I have lost all desire to watch tv, look at social media, and for the most part I just feel more content with my own thoughts.

What have I learned?

-I did not realize that for me, Social media was a source of feeling down.  I was comparing and judging and being free from that has given me the ability to compare against myself and not others.  To stop judging people for the things they post.

-I live more in the moment and I have made some good strides towards improving myself.

-My relationship with my Savior has become a deeper part of my life.  It is more real and much more tangible then it was.  My need for Him has become much more evident.

-I have learned that my Father in Heaven is waiting and wanting to hear from me.  That as I take the time to listen I feel His spirit much more abundantly around me..  And that gives me courage and hope that I had lost.

-When trying to change a habit or behavior it is the first couple of weeks that are the hardest.  Like climbing up a steep rocky mountain.  The pebbles fall beneath your feet and you worry you won’t be able to keep going.  You doubt your motive and you look back wondering if it’s even worth it.  But then those first 2 weeks are behind you and now you wonder why you thought it was hard.  You still have to keep your focus but it begins to feel effortless. ***I want to remember this for the next couple of weeks were I will be striving to get my health under control.

-I can do hard things, with Him who made me all things are possible.

-I feel like  a grown up.  That sounds really strange I know.  I just turned 35, I have 6 children, one just ending his first year of high school, I have been married for 15 years and I have been officially and adult for 17 years. But in my head I have been stuck on somethings that I have not known how to heal from that have kept me from feeling grown up so to speak. But just this last week I had a tender mercy that helped to heal parts of me from deep within.

As I prayed and expressed my gratitude I felt a shift occur inside me.  It was as though my emotional self finally caught up to my physical self.  I felt myself walk a little taller that day.  I think what really happened was that I got a little glimpse into the person I am supposed to be.  Like I was told I am on the right path and to keep moving forward.  It also awakened in me this need to be happy with right were I am at.  To love the person I am and to embrace the person I am trying to become.

Now onto the next 60 days.  I am taking on a new challenge with some friends of mine.  More of that to come.  I feel I have gained momentum and I am excited to see what the future brings.

I have learned several lessons over the past 22 days.

Since I no longer feel the need to watch tv, I find I have more energy.  Ryan and I had an in house date Saturday night due to sick kids.  We decided it would be ok to watch a movie since we going out to the movies would have been ok.  I found myself a little restless and i wanted to be doing other things.  I did work on my party decoration. I am having redneck party for my birthday! So excited for that.

At night I am more in tune with the kids and seem to have better conversations with them since I am not in a hurry to go relax.

I have rediscovered my love of good books and have been really enjoying reading Jareds favorite serious, Fablehaven.  It is fun to share that with the kids.

I have found that I do not miss Facebook, instagram, or pinterst.  I did not realize how much it had a negative affect on me.  I was comparing myself to other people without even realizing it.  I was comparing their exercise, their cooking skills, their parenting, their vacations, their relationships, their amazing party skills, their fun, their everything.  I was not feeling like enough.  I do not miss that.

I also don’t miss the guilt I felt for not keeping in touch with old friends better. Or the politics for that matter.  I also don’t miss some of the judgmentalness I felt in the other direction.  I don’t need to judge how other people live their lives.  Even if they are silly enough to put it on facebook.

My house has been cleaner and I am even doing some redecorating.  I am almost done painting and I love the way my living room has turned out.  I’ll have to post pictures later.

I have also noticed my kids have more energy.  They are playing outside more and for the most part are really enjoying it.  They still fight, it would be a real Christmas miracle if that stopped.

The down side to that is that they have more energy.  Jacob is a spitfire and has gotten himself into a lot of trouble the last couple of days.  He is like the dog and needs a good walk or something. I realized this last week we did not play outside as much and I need to make sure I take him to the park tomorrow.

Today he just wanted to play legos with me and I had allowed myself to be on the computer which is supposed to be something I don’t really do when they are around.  Note to self, play more with the kids.

I have not been one hundred percent no tv for the kids because we had sickness in our house and I caved.  Jacob was so miserable he would just cry.  So while it was really bad I did let him watch tv.

Last weekend Jared and Sarah were both gone and the rest of us took a nice long walk.  It was so much fun.  We laughed a lot and just enjoyed each other.

I also feel like Ryan and I have gotten closer not having the tv on.  We have been talking more and helping each other more. I just can’t see why we would go back to the way things were.  We have even decided to give up netflix and just have videos and the BYUtv.

I listen to the Mormon Channel throughout the day and even while running.  I find it is better for my mind and I feel like I have the spirit with me more frequently.

It did feel a little strange to fill a second day with TV watching, even if it was General Conference for our church.  A couple of talks addressed the Tecnhology problem and it was nice to feel like I was already working on that one.  Elder Scott and Sister Wixom were the two that stood out to me and I was grateful for their words.

I do always love Elder Scott’s words and it feels as though he is speaking directly to me.  I also really loved listening to our prophet tell his story of the fire.  He is such a wonderful story teller, full of animation.  Their were a few talks I hope get turned into Relief Society lessons so that I can teach them.  Ones that would be so impactful as a lesson.

Tonight instead of turning on the BYU channel we played apples to apples.  I have decided that games in a large family are meant to be loud and full of arguments.  I think for the most part we managed to have some good laughs in the process.

Ryan made dinner while I tried to work on family history.  I am still not 100% so that was very much appreciated.  I say tried to work on family history because I have not had much luck finding anything new as of late.  I think I need to focus my efforts somewhere else, I am just not sure where yet.

Well last night I did sleep better.  When I woke up I fell back asleep quickly. The problem was that when I woke up I felt so very tired.  My eyelids were so heavy.  I got up anyway and ate breakfast and then we settled in to watch General Conference.  My head throbbed and I just couldn’t seem to focus.  My whole body began to hurt and I realized I had a minor case of the flu.  I wasn’t sure at first since my muscles and joints have been so sore lately. The fever came and then I at least understood why I was feeling so yucky.

When I am sick I usually snuggle in my bed with my blanket and watch shows.  To say that being sick while on techno time out was kinda a bummer. I really contemplated, again, ditching my promise.  But instead I tried to work on family history and I talked with the kids.

The hardest part was when Ryan left to go to the priesthood session and took Jared and Sarah with him.  Sarah was going out with Kaylee and Grandma.  I wondered how I would keep them entertained while I felt sick without turning on a show.  But I was more then pleasantly surprised to with the way they played with each other,  The kids played out back with and for the most part they got a long really well.  Lots of laughing was heard.

Earlier in the day Jared took the little boys to the park with him and played baseball.  I don’t remember the last time he did that.  Joseph, who normally doesn’t like to read has been reading a book for most of the day.  EmmaLee and I had a good talk after the boys went to bed and I just don’t know if that would have happened had I chosen to break my promise. No TV, even while sick, has been even better then I thought.

Today Jacob and I spent another day at the library and he has finally stopped asking to watch tv.  No major crying from this kid and that was a welcome reprieve.  We have discovered books on tape or I should say books on CD.  Why does that still sound so weird to me?  Anyway my point is when we are driving in the car I can start the book and everyone goes quiet.  No fighting just mutually enjoying the sound of the author telling her story.

Again I ask myself why I have not figured this out sooner but then I quickly remember this life is full of learning and discovering things that should be obvious.  Some come quickly and others we really have to work at to understand. So today I will celebrate the ease with which some lessons come for tomorrow my lessons might come a little more challengingly.

Sleep is still not coming easily.  Each night I wake up and then have difficulty going back to sleep.  I wake up feeling more rested then I would expect but then I feel so tired later in the day.  I decided tonight I would read a fluffy light children’s book to fall asleep to instead of something that requires deep thinking.  I do anticipate that my body and mind will eventually adjust to not having the tv to fall asleep to.