I believe that sometimes our subconscious speaks to through dreams. For me it only happens occasionally but when it does I usually know.
Lately my dreams have been about babies. At first it was about having babies and caring for babies. Then amid all my stress and worry about moving my dreams changed and were then about dying babies. It seems so weird unless one understands dreams.
Babies symbolize new beginning. Which is exactly what I feel with this move to Arizona. With my therapy coming to a close I feel like a new woman. I feel like this move came at the perfect time. I’m ready to go to Arizona and be my best self. A self no one else will expect to be anything different. The true me that was hidden inside under baggage and pain.
The real me gets a chance to emerge into her true self. And I could not be more thrilled about rediscovering me again.
But then the stress of moving became so great and all encompassing I lost myself for a minute. Which is why the dreams changed. I began to forget the excitement that awaits me. The thrill of a new adventure.
But then I went to lego land with my dear friend Weezy. She has no idea how much I respect her and value her. She is so solid in her faith and we could always have amazing conversations. The kids played while she feed my soul and reminded me who I am. That this moving is temporary and I will soon be able to grow my roots deep down in the earth and glorious fruits will be the result.
Then I had the sweetest dream about a delightful happy smiley baby. She warmed my heart in my dream. And I woke up excited again. And then last night my dream was about being at an international wedding and the second I woke up I knew the dream meant much the same. Weddings are about new beginnings as well. I felt like their is something wonderful I will get to be apart of. And I need to be in Arizona to do that.
I feel like Heavenly Father keeps reminding me of the good that’s coming so that I can handle all the craziness of moving.
A whole lots been going on around here. Our house is almost all packed up. Even with sickness we are still getting it done. The show must go on as they say.
We have been able to do a few fun things amid the crazy. Bonfire with the neighbor boys. Birthday party for Sarah. Volleyball games for Jared. Diorama for Joseph. Sarah and I singing in church. (Boy was I nervous for that one.) and more packing then I could care to do. I am read for the adventure of moving to be over and I’m excited to start our new life in the warm desert.
Things I’m looking forward to:
Monsoon season. I love thunder and lightening
New home with school across the street
Our own pool
Summer in a new city
Things I’m sad about:
Leaving my yw and my calling
Leaving my family
Leaving a ward with friends that feel like family
Leaving our neighbors the Madsen’s
Being apart from Ryan, Jared and Sarah for 7 weeks
Leaving the beach and the beautiful weather
Some days just come at you. You feel like you have it all together one moment then the next you well… Just don’t. Jacob had a tough night last night with croup. Ryan had to wake up at 4 for his flight to Dallas and my back was so achy from all the packing and moving stuff I had a hard time sleeping. Then josh woke up with pain in his neck. We have had someone sick in our house for a long time. Over a month now. I’m ready for health.
But the problem is I was going to get so much done today. No time for sore back and sickies. I guess it was a blessing my credit card was replaced because of security concerns and I had to spend some time on the phone resetting up all my auto payments. And that I
had got to set up service for the new place and stop service at the current place. It was good for me to rest my back.
But then I just couldn’t help myself and even though I felt like I should rest I instead made a huge mess by trying to organize and pack stuff. A HUGE mess I say. One I was going to clean up right after Sarah’s game.
And then just to add fun Sarah got a knee to the head while wrestling for the ball during her game and after 5+ hours we are finally home from the drs. Yay for my bed. To bad I have to wake Sarah up every two hours. Bah. She has a concussion. With symptoms of vomiting, blurred vision, numbness, shakes and massive headache.
I do wonder why they didn’t give her this bowl first to throw up in. No they gave us this after she threw up in the tiny kidney shaped bowl and then all over the floor because the bowl was for the size of no one human. Seriously.
So I lay here next to my girl. I hear Jacob coughing in the other room and yet I still feel grateful it’s not something more. Grateful they are still alive to be hurt and get sick.
Here is to a new day tomorrow.
We found a house we love. Well I found a house we love. Ryan likes the pictures and I’m hoping he will love it as much as I do. It does have a pool and a hot tub. Score!!
Today Jacob started swim lessons at callan swim school. They are so great. 4 days a week for 2 weeks and then I will feel comfortable with him being around a pool. There is a gate but he’s a smart kid and I believe he will have that gate figured out in days.
I’m starting to feel excited about moving. Sad a little still but the excitement is increasing.
This whole time I thought our lease ran out in June. I thought I had until the end of the school year. Yesterday the landlord contacted us and let us know we have till may 1st. Ok. I can do this.
So today I’m heading to go find a house. Just Jacob and I. I can do this.
When I get back it’s time to get serious and pack my house. I always start out so ambitious and I’m hoping this time to pace myself and not get burned out before the job is done.
Last night we had two different end of the season basketball parties at our house.
We started the night with a party for Joseph’s team. We had dinner and everyone enjoyed chatting and talking about the season.
Then Sarah’s team showed up and we enjoyed lots of dessert. It was fun to visit with the parents. They were a good group of people and I enjoyed having them all at our house.
It was interesting for me though to have people comment on my house. About how great it was and how clean and organized. I loved Ryan's response to that. He said "it only looks like this because we knew you were coming, normally it looks like we live here".
My friend sent me this picture of the cake. Her daughter had to give it a little love. Hence the falling off piece and the fingernail marks.
I’m always wondering if I’ll drop the cake or a child will mess it up or for that matter I’ll put a finger in it before I deliver it. So naturally it is rather satisfactory to hand it off to someone else and know it’s no longer my problem. Haha
Better your kid then mine.
Here is to truly letting go of the old perfectionist me and embracing the attitude of excelling. While making this cake for a friends sons birthday I really truly didn’t stress out. I didn’t over think it and I truly enjoyed making it.
I also realized I was running short on time and I was ok with it not being perfect. I think it looks good. Even if you can see the underneath frosting or the squares don’t match up just right. I can still love it.
This is a big deal for me. Usually all I can see are the mistakes. But today I see the overall picture. I see the art for what it is. And I enjoyed creating something with my hands I have missed that. I listened to music while I made it and I enjoyed the process not just the finished result.
For me today was a victory
Jared passed his permit test. It only took two tries. The first time we stood in line for over two hours. The second time he got to bypass the line and go straight to test taking. We were in and out in about 20 minutes. That was great. He will take his first behind the wheel training on Saturday and then he can drive.
I am both nervous and excited for
me him. Seriously the thought of having another driver in my house is super exciting to me.
But there is another side to driving that worries me. It’s not so much that I think Jared will be foolish. I really trust him. He is a mature kid and pretty cautious. What I’m worried about is other drivers.
About two weeks ago Jared’s volleyball coach was going through a green light when someone ran a red light going over 100 mph. Brendan was killed on the spot. He was obeying the laws. He was driving safe. He was so young.
At his funeral I kept thinking of his mom. I imagined how I might feel. Even with the strong faith I have I would miss my boy. I would mourn for what I thought his life was going to be. I would mourn for my loss.
From one mom to another I pray God gives her the comfort she needs to get through this sad time.
When our children turn 12 we take them on a two day trip. Just Ryan’s and I. It has been so great to get that special one on one time with them. To love on them. To do what they want and to get to see through their eyes with no distractions.
Emma wanted to go to disneyland. Which shows her fun personality. I love it. We had south fun. We enjoyed rides and laughs and food.
How great does that look. The waiter gave it to us for free simply because I commented on how good it looked.
It rained on and off the first day but never bad. It was perfect.
Rides are not meant for tall people. He was a great sport though. I on the other hand got so drenched. No other bobsled got drenched. But I sure did.
We our two day fun with some of the best sushi we have ever had.
This girl is full of life and caring and love. She sees life with optimism and a brightness that affects those around her. I want to be more like her. Love her so much.